did you get engaged???
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
