im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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