Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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