Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
