I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
