Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
