Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
