your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
