I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
