just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
