Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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