This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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