what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
