Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
