you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
