I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
