You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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