everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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