Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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