Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
