Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
50% drunk capacity currently
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
