her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
