so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
