ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
