I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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