I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
