I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
