We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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