if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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