the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
