My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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