Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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