whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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