but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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