Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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