dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
two words: eviction party
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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