i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
