Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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