If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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