When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
