It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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