I haven't been this sober since birth.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
