I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
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