I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
