If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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