today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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