I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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