were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
