why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
