i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
